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Turkey Meat is Politically Correct

It is not 'red' meat; it is low on cholesterol; the birds are dumb enough to let people eat them; they are not an endangered species; and nobody raises them for their feathers

Besides, 'Turkey Product' can be used to make bologna, hot dogs, pastrami, burgers, and anything else you might miss because you went P.C.

The History of the Turkey

We didn't really investigate this subject when compiling this Web Page -- time constraints, you know (and it is not that interesting if your main concern is eating the damn things). However, it is known that it is an American bird, quite a bit larger than a chicken or a partridge. Supposedly, the Pilgrims were saved from starvation by the native Indians on the first Thanksgiving Day. Apparently, they were not able to catch the wild turkeys that abounded back then (which are much smarter birds than the ones they raise now in the bird-meat factories), and the aubergine crop imported from England had failed (they did not realize that pumpkins were edible). So they were in pretty bad shape. It was Pocahantas, we think, who said there was plenty of food to go around out there in the woods, so why keep cutting down the trees? And that's about all we know about turkeys, except that they have these disgusting wattle/wart things hanging off their faces -- but we don't eat that bit*.

* Perverse people can order Turkey Wattle Dimsum dumplings in New York's Chinatown

Here's a neat recipe (courtesy Grobius Shortling) for Hopping John

Ingredients:

one bag of dried black-eye peas (soaked overnight in a gallon of water),
half pound of ground turkey (or 2 packages of turkey bologna cut up fine): [Ideally, you would want to include the globs of fat, skin and miscellaneous unidentifiable bits of flesh that get thrown out when you carve up the Thanksgiving turkey, but you won't be wanting to make this dish around that time, and it wouldn't be a very good idea to bag it in the freezer until you need it; however, if you want to try, let me know the results!]
one entire bulb of garlic (cut into pieces),
three onions,
one full 2-oz. bottle of Tabasco Sauce,
two handfuls of Uncle Ben's Rice,
three teaspoons of salt or salt substitute,
liberal dashes of a nice West Indian or Jalapena Hot Sauce (applied just before serving)

Cooking: Throw all this together in a large tureen and simmer for 8 hours or so.

Eating: Tastes best served cold after a day or two in the refrigerator; add more hot sauce to each serving, and wash down with a large glass of Scotch and water. This recipe provides about 8 servings -- have not figured out a way to do it smaller.

This page is sponsored by The Tobacco Company Guild in Search of New Ways to Protect Our Money (TCG/POM). Do you know how many turkeys can be raised on the same amount of land it would take to grow enough tobacco to supply the city of Chicago with cigarettes for one year? We don't, but we are going to find out!

Your continued good health is OUR BUSINESS. We want you to keep smoking, but not be bothered by any other health problems (and maybe there is a use for turkey feathers, after all, as a tobacco substitute -- our researchers are checking that out).